


Spidered Cheese

by SubAcc



Category: Spider-Man - All Media Types
Genre: All the cheese, Cheese, Cheese and The Cheese are different, Crack, Don't Ask, Don't worry, I'm so sorry, Just read, Rated for Slight Swearing, Spinjitzu, Tragedy, What Have I Done, and break your mind, and for insanity, if it doesn't make sense, my friend made this, the creator is as confused as you are, yes I just wrote tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-23
Updated: 2020-09-23
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:55:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,090
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26621755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SubAcc/pseuds/SubAcc
Summary: Spidered man loves cheese with all his heart, but one day his cheese hoard is stolen! He must get it back before he falls to his demise with no cheese by his side.
Relationships: Spider-Man/Cheese
Comments: 9
Kudos: 9





	Spidered Cheese

**Author's Note:**

> Credit to Sapphena who made this, I made this account just to post their story. They have created a monstrosity.

HOOOO boi I wish I could eat this tasty stick of mozzarella cheese that i have right here in my hand. Be nice if I could eat this here CHEESE. I really think it would be great if i was able to eat this GODDAMN BRIE. Unfortunately, as I am The Spidered man, this mask of questionable identity concealment that I must never remove under any circumstances for reasons of concealment does not come with a hole through which to eat cheese. It’s one the seven tragedies in my opinion. Thankfully as I get home to my lovely hideout(in which I store cheese), I will be able to relax, sit back, and ea- THE CHEESE GOBLIN! What is he doing in my lair? This is awful! I just know he's come to steal my cheese. 

“Why hello Spidered Man! I’ve come to steal your cheese!” 

“You’ve come to steal my cheese!” 

“Yes that's right Spidered man! I’ve come to steal your cheese!” 

I can’t believe it. He’s come to steal my cheese! 

“You’re too late, Spidered man! Using my brie breaker and my mozzarella muffler, I have already breached your vermeer vault undetected!” The Bastard! How did he already manage to break the Vermeer Vault! “Soon Spidered man, your cheeses will be mine! And there is nothing you can do!” 

I race to the Vermeer vault as fast as I can. And when I get there, a horrid sight awaits me. My once glorious cheese hoard, reduced merely to wax casings and plastic wrap. All my cheese. Gone. 

* * *

It’s been two years since the incident. Two long, grueling years, sustaining myself off of whatever cheese I can find. My glorious hoard is still in the hands of the rat brained fart the Cheese Goblin. But tonight, that changes. Tonight, I will abduct what he kidnapped that I had rightfully stolen. I will take back the half wheel hoard. 

I see the Goblins Feta Factory in the distance, but before I can even approach, one of the Cheese Goblins new goons flies right up to me, The Vulcheese. 

“Oh you foolish Spidered Man!” His voice is muffled, as his beak masky thing is filled with cheese to snack on whenever he feels like it. “You will never reclaim the Half Wheel Hoard! The guards are simply too strong!” 

He would have a point, but as I examine his wings that he is using to fly, I see that they are made of one of Doc. Cheese’s new proto cheeses: The Lighter Than Air Cheese. The sight of the cheese fills me with motivation I have not felt in years. Suddenly I recall the secret technique of the Spinjitzu, and use it to knock the cheesy birdman from the sky. 

“You see Vulcheese, you almost had me.” He fruitlessly attempts to perform cpr on his cheese wings to get back into the air. “But you made a fatal mistake when you put cheese in your mask. Everybody knows that’s illegal, and as everyone also knows, the minimum sentence… is death.” 

“No Spidered Man please,” he begs, but I do not hear him. The only thing in my mind is that I am one step closer to the Half Wheel hoard. 

Unfortunately, as I get closer and closer to my goal, I face more and more Taleggio Traps, made by none other than Doc Cheese himself. The second guard. I use my masterful prowess in the art of Spinjitzu to avoid the Taleggio Traps, until finally I come face to face with the man himself. The Dreadful Doctor Daralagjazsky(Doc Cheese is just shorter). 

“Oh ho ho what do we have here? Spidered Man! I presume you wish to claim the Half Wheel Hoard! Well you will never be able to make it past me, much less the Final Guard” 

“Ufufufu, oh Doc Cheese, did you forget so quickly?” 

“Oh Spidered Man, you should know, I never forget anything!” 

“Oh really, then you must already know, eheheh, that Daralagjazsky,” His eyes widen, “Is a soft cheese!” 

Doc Cheese looks down, and sure enough, the body heat he produces just melted his own body. From the goopy pile of cheese wallowing in agony, one last sentence is made out: “May the Cabecou Curse be forever upon you,” but once again, I have only ears for the Half Wheel Hoard. 

Contrary to what Doc Cheese warned me, I know that the Final Guard is no real threat. In fact, ever since The Cheese used forbidden transfiguration spells to turn himself into cheese, he has been no real threat, because cheese cannot hurt you. 

“Yo Spidered Man!” the shout echoes through the twisting hallways, I follow it to its source and find Him. The cheese. 

He sits atop his golden throne of Cheese, bestowed to him by the Cheese Goblin. He may now just be a quarter wedge of cheese, but he is bedecked in so much gold and cheese one could assume him an emperor. 

“So Spidered Man, You’ve Made It This Far.” It felt like it should have been a question, but The Cheese speaks with such authority it was simply a statement. “Truly, I must applaud you, not many others could make it this far” 

“Step aside The Cheese, I must make it to the Half wheel Hoard and defeat the Cheese Goblin.” 

“My my, haven’t you heard?” I feel the first tendrils of fear creep into my heart. “I have cheeseified the Cheese Goblin. After obtaining the Half Wheel Hoard, I no longer had any use for him. I am the Kabritt King now.” Sure enough, as he spoke, from the ground rose a block of cheese, but it was no ordinary block of cheese. No, this was the Cheese Goblin, forever frozen in carbocheese. 

“I admire you Spidered Man, your devotion to cheese is truly a sight to behold. Still, I must kill you.” As he readies his arsenal of weapons, I realise that I have no choice but to result in my last resort. 

“Then you leave me no choice” I leap off the ground from 50 feet away from the golden throne and the wedge of pure evil that sits atop it. 

30 feet. 

“Behold!” 

20 feet. 

“My final move!” 

10\. 

“THE BITCH SLAP OF GOD!” 

0\. 

The Cheese chuckles. 

I look at him, unharmed and I realize that this was his plan all along. 

“Do you feel it Spidered Man?” 

My life's cheeses flash before my eyes as I realize what he's given me. 

“The cheese touch?” 


End file.
